February 22, 2009


So, well, ya see, I’ve sorta been sitting lately. Not a lot. And not every day. And yeah, I know, I don’t sit. I hate meditation. Well, yeah, maybe it ain’t that bad. I guess it’s okay. Sorta.

[Stuffs hands in pockets. Scuffs toe in the dirt. Looks down.]

See, I like didn’t want to say nothin’ ‘bout it ‘cause I don’t know if it’s gonna last. Ya know, never has before. I know I keep makin’ promises. I keep gettin’ let down. By myself. So I didn’t say nothin.’ But, ya know, it’s been a couple weeks now. It’s goin’ okay.

[Shrugs. Hands still in pockets.]

I couldn’t figure it out for a long time, ya know? I’m soooo NOT a morning person, so that whole sitting in the morning thing was soooo NEVER GONNA HAPPEN. But everybody said to make it like a habit, like brushing your teeth, like a routine. But see, I never really keep a routine. I get up, I brush my teeth, I get dressed, and I go. Fifteen tops, maybe. That’s like my whole routine. Everything else changes. I gotta go a different place, a different time every day. That changes every four months. Meetings are crazy. I always get in at a different time. Sometimes I gotta go out again. I never know when I’m gonna shower, so I couldn’t figure when I’d sit.

[Looks up. Takes hand out of pocket to rub chin.]

See, then I figured it out. There IS somethin’ I do every day. I come home. Sometimes it’s early and sometimes it’s late, but I always gotta go out somewhere. I always got meetings and classes and stuff. So, well, when I get home, I’ve been sitting, see? I just dump my bag, take off my coat, my boots, set my keys and wallet in the dish, got to the bathroom (‘cause I figure Mom’s advice about car trips applies), then go sit. New routine. And, it’s kinda nice. It’s like decompressing, detoxing my head.

[Makes eye contact. Smiles sheepishly.]

Well, sometimes it ain’t so great. Sometimes the wheels just can’t stop spinning. But other times, well, it’s like this relief, ya know? Like I don’t have to do anything, be anyone, go anywhere. I can just sorta...sit.

[Stuffs hands back in pockets. Looks down. Shift weight to one hip.]

Mostly it ain’t nothin’ much. And it’s no big deal. Nothin’ to get worked up about. Who knows how long it’ll last, ya know? Maybe a bit. That’d be nice. Maybe not. I suppose that’d be okay too. I mean, some nights, when it’s actually in the morning, I just don’t wanna bother. That’s okay. But other days it’s like, come on, how hard is it to sit for ten minutes? And sometimes my cat, she like gives me a hand by tryin’ to hack up a hairball right behind me. What can ya do? Nothin.’ Not unless she actually hacks up, an’ then ya can clean it up. So ya just sit there some more.

So, well, I guess I’ll keep sitting.

1 comment:

greenfrog said...

Rafts make river crossings a lot easier. (Ok, they make them sometimes possible.)

I'll look forward to hearing more about your crossing.