My mind was so fixated last night, I didn't get to sleep until after midnight and an extra glass of milk (which my cat appreciated). I get caught up in fantasy so easily. When I was a child, I would tell myself stories in my head until I fell asleep at night. It worked well, and I drifted off easily, kick starting my dream cycle. It was usually a continuation of some television show or book I had been reading, except now I was the hero. As I've grown older, these little stories have grown more and more vivid, and they don't always revolve around fictional characters.
Things I want to change, to succeed, and problems I need to solve fill my head. Sometimes this is a boon. I do much of my architectural design work while laying in bed at night. If I don't get to sleep right away, that's okay, because I know I'm sorting out a problem now that will be useful in the morning. When my mind fixates on some mythical future, some daydream which I can't control, I feel the noose of attachment drawing tight. My long standing habits have turned against me and my mind is definitely not my ally in that moment.
School is starting next week, which means the Shambhala Project will kick off. In another five weeks, I'll return to the mountain center, and all the people I left behind there. One person in particular has preoccupied my mind all summer. Or maybe I should say, my body.
Men who dislike girl talk – read no further.
In my Introduction post, I said I would explain why I used the analogy of meditation and sex. I had really bad periods when I was a teenager, so I started on Depo-Provera when I was 17, which is a birth control injection. It lasts for three months. It totally suppressed my cycle and all associated hormones, including my sex drive. I've had practically no hormones to speak of for seven years now. I've also had precious few dates and only one 'boyfriend.' I'm just not motivated. In April, my last shot ran up and I decided to give nature one more try. Nature was just waiting to be called on, it seemed.
Everything came back, for good and bad. The bad is very, very bad, and the good...well, it's very, very frustrating. I'm going to talk to my doctor about getting back on birth control, but I think I'll try something different, something which still allows for some natural rhythms. I need that swift kick in the pants my hormones provide, unless I plan to spend every Saturday night at home from now until eternity (an option I've seriously considered).
So, is it my head, my heart, or my body which has me fixated on feelings I haven't had in a very long time (if ever)? What does it mean that the thing I remember most is a smile? This fixation, this attachment, is setting my up for suffering, for disappointment. At the very least I'm certainly not being mindful of the present moment. Even if good things happen in the future, worrying about it now is doing no good.
I wrote a letter last night. I hoped that would lay it to rest. Now, it's just another thing to worry about, but at least I feel better for having done something. I took a chance, one I might not have taken otherwise. I worry about how it will be received. I worry what might happen in September.
Mostly, I worry that I answered the question wrong.