April 08, 2010

Bad Attitude

Yesterday I didn’t feel well. I went to work in the morning and the Attic in the afternoon, but after my video conference, I copied my working files onto my portable hard drive, and set out for home. The rainy day had turned sunny and it seemed to me absurdly early after such a short day of work. As I approached home, I wondered why the state parking lot seemed so deserted. It wasn’t a government holiday, so far as I knew (but then, there are so many of them I can scarcely keep track). Then I realized it was five thirty. This is when normal people get home. I haven’t arrived home in the daylight for weeks.

My mind spirals around with thoughts of the future. One plan gone, others are on the horizon, but have many doubts. I don’t want to think about the future, but I don’t want to stay in the present either. It’s that point in the semester, that inevitable moment when I just want to go to sleep and wake up when it’s over. Every time I approach this thinking I will handle it better. Maybe I even have over the years, but right now objectivity is hard to come by. As a friend of mine said earlier today “I have a bad attitude about the whole thing right now.” I can relate.

And, as always, I ask myself “Do I really want to keep doing this?”

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