September 06, 2006


I'm tired and probably just need to ramble a little. I'm waiting for the glue to set on a model base, then it will be finished, but I don't think it is the amount of work I've put in which is making me so tired. I think I am more weary than tired. I've put a lot of time, thought, and effort into this model. I like it and it is the best model I've ever built, both from a design and a craftsmanship (craftswomanship?) standpoint. I am not good at building models. I don't enjoy it and I don't have the patience for it and worst of all, my hands shake. Give me a two by four and a circular saw and I'm happy. Give me a basswood and an exacto knife and I will consider using them to stab my eyes out.

I'm tired because I know, I fear, my best effort will be looked down upon and ridiculed as a weak attempt to mimic my betters.

When I was young, I didn't care what anyone thought of me. I was a tomboy and a rebel. I would do anything, dress as I pleased, speak as I pleased. Then somewhere along the way, I decided that wasn't going to get me very far in life. I saw the popular kids, how they were outgoing, positive, and took care of their appearance. They cared about both their image and their actions and how they impacted other people. They seemed to do better in life, they had more friends, got good grades, were going far in the world. They were happy. So I decided to become an extrovert. Now that I've succeeded, I'm wondering if it was such a good idea.

Then there's compassion, that empathy the Dharma teaches us is so important. When does empathy become anxiety? When does caring about others become caring about others' opinions? Is this the vulnerability, the soft spot in your heart, that Chogyam Trungpa and Thich Naht Hahn were speaking about? Or is this just misplaced ego? I want my teachers to be as happy with my work as I am. I don't want them to be annoyed or angry or frustrated that I am so far behind my peers. But do I want this for them, or for myself?

Where is that damned Middle Path when you need it?

No comments: