Sandi went home early today. Sandi is my new boss at the Nebraska Rural Initiative. I like her because she is nice to me and is teaching me how to do research. She just finished her PhD in Human Sciences. She has pictures of her daughter and two grandkids in her office where I work.
I have known she was having health problems, having many doctor visits and tests. They don't know what it is. The nurse at her doctor's office left a message on her cell phone that they found a spot on her lung. I don't think Sandi appreciated her leaving something like that on a message. She left the office to call her doctor's office. She started crying when she got back. She dried her eyes and left for the day. She said she just wishes they could find out what it is so they could begin treating it. She is worried about her husband.
I feel ackward. I asked if she was okay to drive home. I thought about hugging her, but we don't know each other well, and I'm in no place to offer false reassurances even if I might have.
I don't know why exactly I feel ackward. Some of it is because I have compassion. I want to help Sandi, to make her feel better, but I don't know how. I don't have the wisdom to go with my compassion.
But I fear some of the ackwardness comes from the fact that I fear I don't have enough compassion. I don't share her pain and that bothers me. At least I feel I don't share her pain as fully as I should.
Does this stem from the fact that I have no similar experience? Or worse, is it I simply don't care? Is my compassion superficial? Something where I wish Sandi were happy only because it would make it easier on me?
Is such instrospection akin to selfishness?
By this merrit, may all obtain omnicience
From the stormy waves of birth, old age, sickness, and death
From the ocean of samsara
May I free all beings